I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical manwhore (a fancy method of saying I sleep with lots of people, and I’m very, very open about any of it). Through the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with a huge selection of folks of all genders and orientations. In doing this, I’ve learned something or two about navigating issues in the bed room (and a lot of other areas, TBH). I’m here to reply to your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that’s not just “talk to your lover” as you understand that already. Ask me anythingliterally, anythingand I’ll gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
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I’m a straight, cisgender woman who just ended a third relationship in a row where in fact the guy Im dating is fucking other men in secret. These men all claimed to be straight, and we didn’t have an open relationship. Im not against men fucking men, however when its cheating, its cheating, particularly when its random hookups on Grindr. How come this keep happening if you ask me?
Dear Accidental Beard,
Guess what happens they state: twice is really a coincidence; 3 x is really a pattern. This won’t “keep happening” for you randomly. I believe there should be certain characteristics in these closeted queer men you are drawn to.
Can it be that you’re attracted to men who aren’t thinking about you? Some individuals who who pine and chase after unavailable partners are acting from the host to insecurity and low self-esteem, the (misguided) idea being that when the unavailable partner finally does commit, the chaser could have proof they are worth love.
I’ve seen this a lot in my own practice through the years,” says Joe Kort, Ph.D., LMSW, certified sex therapist and director of THE GUTS for Relationship and Sexual Health. “Women are drawn to the unavailability of the person because his attention is elsewhere, but she doesnt have anything concrete to pinpoint until she discovers he’s got broken the agreement and contains cheated.
Appear to be you? Speaking with a therapist will help you unpack (and challenge) the core insecurities driving you toward unavailable men. And for the time being, I would recommend you read Attached: Are you currently Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? The way the science of adult attachment will help you findand keeplove for more information about your (likely) anxious attachment style.
If that doesn’t appear to be you, I wonder if you are drawn to closeted queer men for a completely different reason: Many don’t follow heteronormative scripts with regards to dating and love, instead deciding on a far more egalitarian relationship.
Ive seen in my practice that gay and bi men often treat women effectively, Kort says, adding that they are more prone to share the housework, more available to communication, and less inclined to be possessive. They are wonderful qualities to get in a partnerbut you have to see them in somebody who also isn’t likely to cheat you. This business do exist!
Another guy you date, I’d make it clear early-on the kind of relationship youre searching for, rather than assuming the guy will operate the precise way you’d in mind. It isn’t weird to ask a man on a dating app, even before you hook up, What can you search for in a relationship? What can you search for in somebody? Or, if you like, it is possible to ask this on your own first date. Its not too early to ask. Youre simply attempting to ensure youre on a single page; otherwise, youre wasting each others time.
If you have this convo, explain the way you want a far more egalitarian relationship and how monogamy is a thing that you value. Id also share the way the last three men you dated cheated you, so youre having some issues trusting men.
Did you discuss being monogamous with the final guys you dated? Or did you merely assume these were being monogamous as you have been dating for some time? Never assume anything. For just one, your lover isnt a mind reader. Two, some people, often men, enjoy the unsaid. They justify their unethical behavior with dubious logic: Since we never said anything outright, though it was very, very implied, I technically didnt do anything wrong!
Because you dont want that nonsense, communicate your wants, expectations, and what youre seeking from the partner clearly right from the start.
Accidental Beard, I cannot guarantee that another man you date wont cheat you. However, I really do believe that in the event that you focus on your insecurities, better understand your attachment style, state your boundaries, and clearly express your expectations, theres a far greater chance the next boyfriend will respect your decision to be monogamous together.
Zachary Zane is really a Brooklyn-based writer, speaker, and activist whose work targets lifestyle, sexuality, culture, and entertainment. He was formerly the digital associate editor at OUT Magazine. His work has been featured in Rolling Stone, Washington Post, Playboy, and much more.
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