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Sexplain It Live: If My Girlfriend Tells Another Bad Story, I’LL EXPIRE

I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical boyslut (a fancy method of saying I sleep with lots of people, and I’m very, very open about any of it). Through the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with a huge selection of folks of all genders and orientations. In doing this, I’ve learned something or two about navigating issues in the bed room (and a lot of other areas, TBH). I’m here to reply to your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that’s not just “talk to your lover” as you understand that already. Ask me anythingliterally, anythingand I’ll gladly Sexplain It. To submit a question for another column, complete this form.

That is an edited and condensed transcription from last week’s “Sexplain It Live,” that was recorded on Men’s Health‘s Instagram. I was joined by therapist John Kim, LMFT, co-author of ITS NOT ME, ITS YOU: Break through the cycle. Relationship Better.

I really like my girlfriend, but she actually is the worst at telling stories. They’re boring and long and also have no point. Then, right as shes addressing the finish, shell say, Wait, I forgot to describe something, and start over right from the start. I really like her, but her inability to inform stories is actually driving me insane. I understand shell be heartbroken easily tell her, so Im uncertain how to proceed.

JK: So some tips about what I’d wanna say, but don’t do that! What I wanna say is, you gotta jokingly tell your girlfriend, “Hey, listen, your stories are taking much too long. We’re losing friends due to your stories, and you’re going to lose me. Which means you need to head to story school. You have to tighten that shit up.” So that’s everything you don’t do! Now everything you do do, which may be the harder piece, is accepting that is who she actually is, which is how she tells stories. And the universe will probably teach her, not you, right?

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ZZ: Hm…

JK: I don’t believe that people have the right to attempt to change anyone. Now, if she asks, “Hey, Zach, you understand, I was wondering, Personally i think like I tell stories too much time,” then yes! It is possible to kick that door open and become completely honest. But if she doesn’t ask, I don’t believe we have the right to repair people or dictate their personality unless they’re harming someone or being cruel.

ZZ: Ya know, most of us have dealbreakers, also it could be that, unfortunately, is one. Hopefully, it isn’t. Hopefully, it’s a thing that you will get over, but if it drives you nuts, then maybe this person isn’t right for you personally. But also, I believe there needs to be something it is possible to say. I was wondering if there is a solution to frame it nicely. Would you say, “Hey, therefore i actually want to hear everything you need to say, but I must say i can’t follow along once you tell a tale.”

JK: Sure.

ZZ: Or, “Will there be a way we are able to streamline your stories?” So rather than being like, “You’re bad at storytelling, like, seriously! How perhaps you have not noticed this right now? You’re a grown-ass person.” Will there be ways to convey a similar thing in a manner that frames it as a me issue rather than a you issue?” So I am struggling to check out. Maybe if these stories were shorter, or you truly considered what the reason was of the story right from the start, that could really help me understand them, therefore i could respond better. There needs to be a method to frame it kindly because otherwise, he will probably lose his mind.

JK: Yeah, there’s, and I really like what you’re saying. It is a whole ownership thing, therefore it’s good to create it back. “Hey, you understand, I have some ADD, when you tell stories, I get lost. Do you consider you’d be in a position to give me the cliff note instead? That might be ideal for me.” So rendering it more about you and carrying it out in a gentle way, rather than an accusatory way. Also, if you are single and you’re going on dates, it is possible to tell your date: “Hey, tell me a tale.” And you’ll know right from the start if they’re an excellent storyteller and when that will frustrate you or not. If that story is three hours long, you might want to find another person.

ZZ: It certainly is weird what our pet peeves are. And for reasons uknown, being truly a bad storyteller makes me irrationally upset. I get a lot more frustrated than I will.

JK: Zach, I understand what it really is! You are not frustrated or switched off by the storytelling piece; it’s their insufficient awareness and inability to learn the room, particularly when you’re with a lot of people. You’re bothered by the truth that they’re not sensing that folks aren’t enjoying it or are looking into.

ZZ: I believe thats section of it! I really like this, I’m benefiting from free therapy in here, too.

Watch the entire conversation here:

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